Ren
by Rika Fujitaka
Summary: He never loved me, I knew, all I was there for was giving him an heir to take care of his preciouse animals. But still I loved him, even if no one believes it, and because of that I would always hate her.' In life we are all victims, even the angry ones.


**Ren**

_This is my version of how Ren came to be the person sha was presented as in the series, because no one behaves like that without having so much anger and hate boiled up inside them. She wasn't always like that but life has a way to screw up anyone and usually it is helped along the way by the people choosing only to see what they want._

_Disclaimer: I do not own Fruit basket or any of the characters, Natsuki Takaya does and she truly is an amazing women to come up with that story. This is simply me playing around with HER characters._

I really, really loved him. Everybody says I didn't, but I did. He was gentle and caring and his sad eyes made me feel like I would give anything to make him laugh. And he loved me too…or at least that is what I thought at the time.

When I look back now it seams like I were both blind and stupid. A foolish youth looking only at the good points in her life and not the reality that was her lot. Akira never loved me because he couldn't love anyone besides his precious animals.

To me they have always been animals, because they have never brought me anything but pain. It may be unfair of me to say so, but what can I do. I am merely a human and as such I can not control the way I feel.

But as I said, Akira never loved me. He pitied me and he enjoyed my company, in more ways then one, but the only thing he wanted from our union was an heir. Somebody to take over after his fragile body could no longer keep him alive. Somebody who would be special, just like him. I didn't understand that until after Akito was born and by then it was already too late. I was deeply and irresistibly in love with him, and we were legally tied to each other forever. It angered me that not only was I not the one he had wanted but I was also doomed to never find someone else who could see only me, as I now saw only him. I became depressed and contemplated both suicide and a forced divorce. Luckily, or unluckily depending on who you are asking, I decided on the latter.

After some time, about three months after the birth, I mustered up the courage to tell him how I felt and demand a divorce. Inside of me a small part of my young heart still hoped that he would deny it. That he would tell me I was being silly and that he loved me the most… But of course, he did not. He might not love me and he might have made my life a living hell, but Akira never did lie to me. Not even when I would have given my heart and soul for him to do so.

He gave me one of his sad smiles, the ones he always used when we talked about his sickness or other subjects that he did not like to think about, and told me that he was sorry. He was sorry, but in the Sohma family you did not get divorced and he was sorry that he couldn't give me what I wanted. He was sorry…

That day my illness and the long days spent in darkness began. I became erratic and started to more and more hate the child I had given birth to. Why is rather simple to understand really, because in my eyes Akito was a symbol of why Akira could never love me. She was the god of the ones that Akira cherished instead of me and I could not forgive her. Especially since she was also a woman…

So when Akira died I turned her into a man. I don't really understand the logic of my own actions, because at that point in my life I was seriously mentally ill, but I believe that by doing so she would be more Akira's heir, and less the woman I would have given my miserable life to be. The one he had loved more then anyone.

Of course it didn't work, such simple solutions never do. She just reminded me even more of her late father and my hate continued to grow. But so did that child. As she grew older she didn't just take my cruelty with tears but matched it with her own, and I can sincerely say that after a while it succeeded way past mine.

I did everything I could to hurt that child, I admit that, and she did the same to me. Only she did cruel things not mainly to me but to many others as well. Those small animal children, bound to Akito by that horrid bond, suffered greatly because of her actions. Even more so then Akito I would guess, as they couldn't help but love her even when she made their deepest fears come true. Yes, I did notice a lot more of what was happening in this cursed household then I wanted …

Somewhere deep inside my mind I wanted to tell Akito to stop her harassing and harmful ways. Tell her that I would not tolerate that kind of behaviour from her, because she was the head of the Sohma family and as such she should act properly and take care of her family. It was one of the few times I actually wanted to scold her like a mother would have.

But it was impossible. I hated her, the animals and everyone else that bore the cursed name of the Sohmas, so if they wanted to hurt each other then it would only be my pleasure to watch. I always detested myself for even wanting to have anything to do with that child, the devil that would even deny me Akira's remains, and so I quickly suppressed those strange feelings.

Today, I can see that I was at fault and that it was my mostly my fault that Akito acted cruel. She only gave others the same feelings that I was giving her, and as a mother I can never be forgiven for my actions. But back then I only thought about how she had taken Akira away from me and how he rightly belonged to me. I had been there for him first, so everything about him was mine; mine and not hers.

I was sick. Sick enough to even sleep with one of that child's lovers to harm her. I needed medical care, I needed medicine and I needed it fast.

If it had been any other normal family, I would have been sent to a hospital, but because of the curse it was too much of a risk. In my madness I could have blurted out something about the curse or about Akito and that was simply unthinkable to those old hags in charge. So instead they put me in a room and left me to loose more and more of myself until I became nothing but a frigid animal. It is a bit lonesome to think about the fact that nobody in the entire household seemed to care.

I will admit that I am more then a bit bitter about that because even if I was not the kindest person or the most pleasant one I still didn't deserve to forget who and what I was. I had done cruel things, yes, but so have most of the people living in the world and we don't lock all of them up. Akito had done it and they still forgave and loved her.

Instead of blaming her they blamed me for everything, even when she was old enough to take responsibility for her own actions. But no, it was always my fault that she was cruel because she had been faced with such hardships and sorrow so early in her life.

But had not I suffered as well? My parent's dead, my sisters gone to places I was not allowed to mention let alone visit, when you have no other way to survive I don't think you should be blamed for making the choices they did, and then the man I married wouldn't even love me back. On top of that drifting into darkness and numbness without anyone lifting a finger to help or aid me… But it is not the same when it is about Ren. No, it was always and will always only be Akito…

I will probably always hate Akito. Even though I know that she really didn't do anything to deserve it, at first, I just can't help myself. She is a truly repulsive being in my eyes even now that I no longer hate her for Akiras sake. Before I hated her for taking him away, but today I hate her for being the twisted person my hate has turned her into. Maybe I truly am a warped and at sometimes a heartless person but I can't help feeling this way. To me Akito will always be someone I can't come close to or even stand to be in the same room as. There is just too much hate between us to overcome.

I also will never forgive the people in the Souma household for ignoring me. They knew I needed help but out of cowardice or greed they pretended not to see and left me to rot. Even the maids who claimed to fight for my sake only cared about their positions in the twisted hierarchy that ruled that place. If it hadn't been for Megumi I would probably still be clinging to my old memories on the floor of that room hearing voices and seeing only evil everywhere I looked.

Megumi was a friendly female who started to work for the Sohmas when she was twenty-nine years old and she became my maid two months later. She wasn't like the other servants who simply did what ever they were told, no, she was caring and warm. When I refused to eat or sleep she would sit with me and fight with me until I complied. She cared for me and after a few weeks of hesitation she got me out of the household and in to a hospital outside of Tokyo.

The doctors diagnosed me as a schizophrenic and a number of other things that I don't remember and have no wish to ever think about again. After three months they finally allowed me to get treated from home so Megumi took the pills, paid the hospital fees and brought me to her old hometown somewhere in Hokkaido. I am not sure how much of her hard earned money she had to give for me to get better, even to this day she refuses to tell me, but I can only hope that I one day will be able to repay her. Even if it may take all of what is left of my life.

Megumis family accepted me into their home in a way that is far beyond what anyone could have asked of them. She just told them that I was sick and they treated me with a pitiful form of respect and kindness in the beginning, and after a while as a natural part of their group. They came to love me as a kind but very eccentric daughter and older sister, and I came to love them back as the family I had lost when I met the Sohmas.

Her mother cared for me while Megumi worked and slowly, but surely, I started to get better. It took almost three years for me to completely recover and remember how to talk and interact with others. I managed to make some friends and after a while even a job at the local beauty shop. I had always been very god at handling hair and it was an excellent place to talk, laugh and remember myself.

Soon after I had managed to save up enough money I moved out of the house and into a two bedroom apartment that I rented together with another female worker at the beauty shop. My new family were sad that I was leaving but I had been imposing on them for far too long and I knew Megumi was itching to go and find work in a bigger city.

Just a few weeks after I had moved out she left once more for Tokyo with the promise to come back as often as she could. I still visit the family all the time for dinner and a chat, and even though they refuse to let me pay them back I make sure to buy them every thing I can afford to make their life more comfortable. It is the least I can do, no matter how much they protest.

I haven't seen or spoken to anyone in the Sohma family since I left, Megumi did tell me that they were still looking for me when she moved to Tokyo but I choose to ignore that fact, and truthfully I am happy about that. Because if there is one thing I could wish for it is that I had never met any of them at all. Maybe then I could have lived a happier life in pretty much the same fashion that I am living now, only I could have had someone to love me as more then a family member and maybe even a child of my own and cute grandchildren.

But such things are nothing I hope for anymore, as I am too old to bear children and can't let another person that close to myself ever again. I loved Akira, I did, and it ruined my chance of a normal life, so now I will never allow anyone to hurt me like that again.

I am not unhappy with the life that I lead now but to say that I don't have any regrets or grudges would be a lie. I have never been the type to forgive and forget easily and therefore my hate for the Sohmas will live on, although I still hope that I will never have the chance to tell them that.

I don't long for revenge as I also made a lot of people suffer, so I won't contact them again, not to curse them or to apologize. If Akito is looking for me she is looking for her mother and I will never be that, so for the sake of both of us I will keep our worlds apart.


End file.
